I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
