but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
