I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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