If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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