I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
