You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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