Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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