Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
