Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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