I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
