Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize