remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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