fuck your aforementioned shoe
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
