We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
