im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
