i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This house was built for laser tag.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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