Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
