I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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