Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
