tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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