Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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