I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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