You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
