Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
