Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
