he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
