Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
