I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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