My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
