Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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