i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
