I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize