Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
