I got her a Nickelback box set.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize