I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
should my penis look like a turkey
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
