took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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