I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
