I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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