i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
