What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
