How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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