My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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