I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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