you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
