shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
