This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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