Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
