I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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