I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Found the puke drawer
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
