fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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