Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
