you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
