The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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