I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
