Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
