is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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