Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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