they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I would ride that face into the sunset
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
