Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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