i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I deserve this hangover.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize